I will admit that the last few years have been a bit of a rut for me. I have had ups and downs and good days and bad days. I've struggled with depression for very L-O-N-G months at a time. It's been rough. I have theorized lots of reasons why things have been so rough, why I feel like I'm failing in my responsibilities, and why I can't jus
t be happy ALL THE TIME! This little article struck a chord with me. I have thought that my depression was brought on by changes in stages of life...ya know, from poppin' kids out every year or two, to being done and just raising the kids. Our life doesn't have as many dramatic changes as it used to. That may play into it to some extent. I also had someone tell me that when you get close to 10 years of marriage, you go through some rocky challenges. But when I read this blog I made another, perhaps more important realization. About three years ago, I came across a blog:
It is a great blog, by a LDS woman who survived a plane crash. She is awesome and she does some amazing missionary work with her blog. Anyway, back to me...3 years ago my friend told me about this blog. I spent a few days of doing nothing BUT reading it. I went back to her very first post and read everything. I came out with a commitment to be more like her. She was just amazing to me. Her life, as she presents it, is PERFECT. Her husband is the most perfect man, her children are perfectly behaved children who don't even know what a TV is, her house is perfectly clean and decorated for every season...I'm talking like featured in magazines it's SO perfect. She seemed to me what every general conference talk to women is talking about. She has not a flaw. At first, that gave me a greater determination to do better and be better...to BE her. But the more I tried, the more I feel like a failure...and thus begins the downward spiral of measuring myself to people online...Facebook, Blogs, gossip magazine web sites...those things combined with a nature towards laziness and it just got bad.
Reading this article I realized that I am comparing my worst self to their absolute 100% perfect day of "those people". Who is going to post a million pictures of their messy house? Seriously, I consider cleaning before even taking a picture. Who is going to Facebook about how they let their kids watch hours upon hours of TV that day because they felt like it? (I mean, who else besides me?) I have been trying for SOOOO long to be "that woman"...you know, the one who runs marathons and ironmans, is the relief society president, has the most fashionable clothes and perfect hair, the house that is never messy, the ever adoring husband with whom she's NEVER exchanged a word in anger or frustration. The one who's kids wear designer clothing and let her do their hair...NO MATTER WHAT. She is present at every meeting/activity. Always smiling and taking meals or treats to whoever needs it and runs a successful business out of her home as well as directs a charity or two. THAT, my friends, is why so many women in Utah are on anti-depressants. We are measuring ourselves against literally a virtual reality.
So this morning on my walk with Chris, I talked the ENTIRE time about this awakening of sorts. My kids need ME. The one who carried them around for nine months. The one who cares about THEM. The one who is here when they get home from school. They don't need the collective virtual women that are represented in blogs and other media. Those women are great and they are doing great things and I'm sure they are great moms too, but they are not me. Their gifts are not mine. And most importantly, they are not the mother to MY kids.
And so, I need to not compare...heck, I really only need to blog and facebook to keep track of family and friends. There is no need to spend hours on the "blogosphere" that are going to end up with me feeling more frustrated and more like a failure and disappointment that will without doubt lead to greater depression.
ONWARD and UPWARD for me from now on!
5 comments:
I love this quote: http://pinterest.com/pin/154248355956950368/
Great reminder for us all, Nikki. :)
You are right - YOU are the one they need!!! I tend to be lazy, too. There is definitely no single person with all of those qualities. ep's link is a great quote!
PS I think you're awesome! :)
Guess what?
YOU are who Christopher fell in love with (and so many other people)
YOU are the one your siblings have the most fun with (not the Eeeyore You) and
guess what?!
YOU are the one your children will respond to and
You and your home will be sooooooo much more fun.
If you love you and them and this wonderful time in life, you're going to have one awesome family.
love,
One who loves YOU!
I LOVE your post! It's one of the things I have been learning right now, too! You're awesome!
It's tough sometimes to learn the lessons we need to learn in this existance. Life throws us a curve ball once in awhile and we never know when it is coming. It's very easy to sonder around with gloom, and be a victim. I have been a victim several times in my life. One thing I learned was that when I found my self in the cobweb of depression and gloom, I felt like the victim and wondered why everyone didn't come to my rescue and make my life better. I always felt if I loose weight, things would get better, (they would) and if I had more money, things would diffiently get better. But, I did learn a lesson. Not to be a victim. I realized I am choosing. It is choice, which is the greatest gift Heavenly Father gave us when he told us good bye and e came here. Agency, we get to choose. Why do we dhoose to climb into the cobwebs of life and sit and cry? Why do we choose to wish we were someone else?
You cannot reflect the light of Christ if you don't adhere to the greatest commandment, where at the end it says to love our neighbor as ourself. Love myself? Isn't that being selfish to love ourself. No, we have to love ourself, so that the light of Christ will reflect back and He will recognize us. Forgive ourselves, Heavenly Father forgives us. Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? That is another lesson we must learn. If you love yourself, then it is easy to love others, it is easy to forgive others and easy to skip being the victim. Being accountable for our very thoughts, and feelings, for our actions, and how we love ourself. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ our Savior love us, so we should love us.
Ya know Nichole, I never wanted to be that Mother-in-law. Ya know what, since I have known you, you have evolved into That Woman you spoke about. You have made me feel like a Mother, not the in-law.
Look at my might fine Grandkids and the love they reflect. You taught them that. Look at Jaxon and MyKenzie and how smart they are and how they love to read. Jayden and Payton are coming right along. You have taught them, ever since they were born, you have take them to the library and read to them. You have perfected your cooking skills and have topped anything I have ever done. You make me proud to have you as my daughter. You are That Woman, who loves her children, an husband. You are that multitasker, taking care of your home and family and being in the Primary Presidency is just a grooming for Relief Society President.
Life's lessons we are here to learn and some are really hard and sometimes we just have to cry, but when you are That Woman, That Daughter of God, just know He is there to comfort and help you learn that lesson. I have found in my own life's trials, That great commandment that ends with loving our neighbor as ourself,if we but just love ourself firs, then we let the love of Christ in and the answers just come and we learn and I would suppose it could get alittle easier, the more room we make for the Light of Christ.
Love yourself, because you are that WOMAN, look around you and you will see.
I love you my daughter (no in-law here),
That Other Mother
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